I’ve got a pile of platitudes and inspirational quotes I want to chunk in the trash. Let go and let God. Just pray more. Have enough faith and you will make it through the rough waters.
Not working.
Not for this season of my life.
Hi. My name is Krista. I was married for 13,011 days. Now I am not. My life did not turn out like I planned. You can judge me for that, but please know I have already spent too much time judging myself for the end of what I thought was forever.
God gave me permission to leave. In fact, he told me that I had walked around this mountain long enough. Now, turn north.
The first time I heard him it felt like a revelation. Then it didn’t. All the spiritual platitudes crept in like vines to wrap up my resolve. They nearly strangled me. Even though I knew what God told me was truth, I started listening to the voices from my youth that told me I must have done something wrong to be here, alone after so many years.
I did all the right things I had learned would help. I chose joy. I screenshot lovely sayings that helped me through my day. I read words of encouragement from friends and family. I retreated to the Sunday School lessons and five-point sermons that had gotten me through my youth and early adulthood.
I met the feelings head on recently as I sat on the same black futon that I sat on more than two years ago; when the reality of the rejection sunk in and I broke into a million pieces. As I sat there again, purging belongings I'm not sure I need in this part of my journey, I cried again. The buried parts started making their way to the surface, wanting reconciliation. They had waited a long time to be seen and dealt with, buried beneath the sayings and songs and words I used to keep moving forward. The platitudes retreated to the background, leaving my grief on the stage alone.
Turn north, God said again gently as I sat there. Hold fast to My words, they are the only ones that matter.
I still don’t understand so many things. Sometimes I still feel like a quitter, but I didn’t have anything left to give. God saw that before I did. Now I’m crossing the bridge to the other side with His hand in mine. I’m ready to see where ‘north’ takes me.
Life's a journey. Pay attention.
Krista, thanks so much for your raw vulnerability. I am glad you turned north.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Me too.
DeleteI love, respect, and admire you, Krista. I always have. Your courage and vulnerability are inspirational. I am grateful for the way you touched my life all those decades ago and for the way you still make me smile whenever I think of you. Thank you for being you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tim.
DeleteKrista, Be encouraged that you know how to tear away all the layers of pretense and veneer to reveal the truth and conviction within your heart. I'll guess that you have been hurting for a long time, in silence, but, thank God, you can leave all that behind you, and move towards a new life. Many of us pray that we can be as brave and honest as you are, but that is not an easy bridge to cross, so we hold back rather than risk being real. You are never alone! You are blessed and your words have freed many people who are bound by the powers of darkness, and want to show the resolve that you have shown. So, thank you for your encouragement, your words of blessing, your call to revival! God bless you; be at peace!
ReplyDeleteBeing raw and vulnerable is truly the only way through. Thank you for your encouragement.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words! I've walked through the same valley of the shadow of death you speak of......twice. Once for divorce, the other when my cancer took my 12 year old son. I shouted at God from the hill tops expressing my anger. Nothing could fill the gaping hole in my chest on either occasion. In both instances though, I found that He is still sovereign. He knows every single thing I am feeling and dealing with so I never felt completely alone and I found the peace that passes all understanding. I hope you do to!
ReplyDeleteKrista, thank you for being brave enough to share such intimate feelings. I have been where you were. I heard Gods voice louder than I ever had before that I had done all I that was asked of me and he was releasing me. What freedom I felt in such a very long time. There is a hope and a future for you. God has bright me so far and I am married to the very best man I know. Stand firm in your faith! It is hard but we do have the promise that He will never put on us more than we can bear. All I can say is that I must have been very strong. You are too! I will be praying for you my friend.
ReplyDeleteKrista,
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong and amazing woman! "From start to finish, your "Life's a Journey. Pay Attention!" left me speechless. You have come so far. Know that very sunset is followed by sunrise, a new day! Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. The Lord has amazing things to come. Love ya and praying for ya